evaporate

Not sleeping…not eating…hemorrhaging money like some sickly patient in an American hospital…writing pages of ridiculously sad/bad poetry and lots and lots of pacing back and forth. Cursing my car for continually giving me problems (now it's the wiper blades that don't fucking work!), my job for not paying me enough and me for taking it.

Said goodbye to another friend this week. Dropping like flies. She's off to work on a cruise ship for the next 12 months. We were just starting to get tight…sharing a mutual interest (film, writing) and helping each other through some cloudy days…and then 'poof'…she's gone. All better. Not that its really that big a deal, because I'm happy she's getting her shit together and I always felt it was only going to be friends, but it just proves that all that interior monologue about how everyone I ever give a shit about leaves is right on the mark. Like fucking clockwork. Why I even bother talking to other people is beyond me?

Sometimes I swear I'm invisible and I speak an alien language. Have you ever been in the middle of a 3 or 4 person conversation and feel like nobody is hearing anything you are saying. That happens to me all the time. Is it my voice…or the words I choose? Do I really have nothing to say? Sometimes it seems that way.

Some psychic lady the other day told me I had a really amazing aura and that it was green. She just told me…no prompting. Apparently it means I'm a 'healer'…now that's fucking rich. Another cosmic joke on me. If only I could use my 'powers' on myself. Sure, I'm good with other people's problems…always have been…sometimes I wish I didn't care as much as I do…but when it comes to helping myself, I'm Mr. Butterfingers.

I know…I don't get it either.

Maybe its because, deep down, I don't like myself…and therefore have no real desire to see me get better? I've suspected as much for a while, but always believed that, alone with myself, I am happy with the person I am. But as a man I fall short. And as a member of this blob called society I fall short. As a friend I fall short. I bitch and moan about how shitty I feel, how life keeps sticking it to me…but really, subconsciously I think I seek it out…and embrace it...or feel its deserved…the pain…constantly punishing myself for some unknown violation. It also explains why I can't make friends...they see right through me. And the few friends I do have...they learn (or are forced) to keep their distance. Like…the next town over type distance. Its for their own good. I used to think it was me who stayed away from them…that I needed my own space to be me…but experience has got me thinking that I choose to be alone because I know, ultimately, that's how I'll end up. Something wrong radiates from me. Really bad radio waves or something that cause people to just stand up and walk away without even realizing what they're doing. Maybe green's not my colour?

At this point, all I can do is plug my finger in the hole and hope the whole dam doesn't burst and wash me away. I've said that before…many, many times…but I don't think I've ever meant it as much as I do right now. I am slowly entering 'past the point of no return' territory…and slowly descending into 'needs a fucking miracle' territory and its both terrifying and a relief. Its so fucking scary I can't sleep. A recurring nightmare I can't wake up from. But at least it feels real.

So why do I even bother sharing this garbage. I ask myself this question constantly. Why do I write? What is it that makes me think that some line/sentence/paragraph is all of a sudden going to break the chains and lift me onto another level?

I want somebody to understand because I don't think I ever will. If I never meet you, or never know you, at least someone will see the scrambled mess of frayed wires and spit and make sense of it. It doesn't make me feel better…doesn't change a single thing in my life…but for some reason, I just have to try. I wake up every morning sicker than the last. Ultimately something distracts me long enough to get through the day, but as the sun rises on another, I feel like I am getting closer to the end than the beginning. I didn't used to feel that way. Even in my darkest, most pessimistic hours, I always held onto the hope that things would get better…that light, however faint, was always 'somewhere'…even if I couldn't see it…that someday it would 'click' and I'd shed this skin and start fresh. But as the months and years drift by, the water left in the cup continues to evaporate…and I'm still me.

Wanting to meet like-minded people is great and all…but what if you hate yourself? If it weren't so pathetic, it might actually be funny. The irony. Me…seeking my own path…only to find it…and realize there's nobody there. Well duh. And the few people I do encounter seem to have no interest in hanging around because, like me, they're on their own journey…off in their own world. We pass like zombies. We see each other…but we don't really see each other. And then they're gone.

But this zombie still feels…barely…occasionally…but deeply…and that's what hurts.

I just don't understand. Any of it.

this bird's for you

You know what really bugs me? People who take up 2 spots when they park their car. Especially when its where you live and there are only so many spots. Recently, the building that I live in added a new tenant…and he drives a big 4 X 4…we’re talking GMC Yukon size…its almost a Hummer…and every time this guy parks his tank, he takes up 2 spots. Once or twice I can understand…it’s a big truck…but we’re talking 8 times out of 10. The guy has absolutely no regard for the other people who live in the building. I guess he just feels that he and his beast of a truck entitled or something? I mean, by the way his tires are turned to the side, its obvious that he just whips his ride into the spot and hops out…never checking to see if he’s over the line.

Unfortunately, this rogue idiot seems to have infected the rest of my building with this disorder, because when I arrived home at midnight on Friday night, there were not one, not two, but three cars taking up 2 spots each…thus sucking up all the available spots. So I had to park on the street, and keep watch for over an hour before a spot opened up. Imagine coming home, and you can’t even park in your own driveway? There's just something not right about that.

Now, I understand that from time to time spots are tight and you have to ‘straddle’ the yellow line in order to park your car…but when it’s a brazen disregard for the laws of parking, then I get upset. I was literally fuming on Friday. I wrote out a couple of really nasty notes…paced back and forth for about 20 minutes trying to calm myself down while debating whether or not I should stick them to the windshield…only to chicken out (or come to my senses…I’m not sure which it was…) and keep it to myself. Granted, there’s nothing worse than having a tense relationship with your neighbors…which is ultimately why I decided against the notes…but sometimes the rudeness just goes too far. And this is on top of all the dog owners who refuse to pick up their pets shit and leave it lying around all over the lot. Real classy.

So please, if you’ve been guilty of haphazardly taking up multiple spots when you park your car…or you don't pick up your dogs shit...or if your one of those people who feels that they are special enough to pull up to the curb next to the bank/convenience store/Blockbuster, switch the hazards on so that you can ‘quickly’ pop in and get what you need….thus blocking the way for every other Jack and Jill trying to get by…my young friend here has something for you...

me?

Its not that I don’t want to write something…and its not that I don’t have opinions on issues of the day and non-issues of the day…or the current state I find myself in...its just that…nothing is flowing. Its like I lack the energy to put it all together right now. Sure, I’m tired…been working stupid hours the past few weeks…but usually you just plop me in front of a computer screen, give me an hour, and something would end up on the screen.

Nope. Not this time.

Whatever it is, I do feel it lifting. Maybe I’m not getting enough sun? The thing's going to be disappearing in a month or two, I should probably enjoy it while I can, right? There’s something to be said for sunlight…the warm rays on your face…plants need it, animals lie around in it all day, some people can't get enough of it...even the fake kind...so there must be something to it. I used to be a ‘go outside for the fun of it’ kind of guy…back when I was a young athletic go-getter…now, its walks to the bank to pay my phone bill, or a quick jaunt down to the nearby 2 for 1 for a slice (actually 2 slices)…the rest of my hours are spend on my feet at work, or on my ass at home.

And don’t even get me started on the workout regime that was going so smoothly until I got lazy and decided to ‘take a break’. That was 2 months ago. All the progress I made…gone. This is what I do.

But whatever…same old story must be getting pretty boring by now...



...you'd be wasting your time guys...

dry

Sorry guys and girls...but I got nothing right now...

The Big Lebowski

"Fuck it, Dude, let's go bowling."


*****