To The Alaska Sleeping Bag Co.

{This is a transcript of a letter written by Dr. Hunter S. Thompson in February 1968 to the Alaska Sleeping Bag Co. about a jacket Thompson bought through their catalogue. Apparently, Dr. Thompson took ‘satisfaction-or-your-money-back’ guarantees at their word}

Alaska Sleeping Bag Co.
334 N.W. 11th Ave.
Portland, Oregon

Gentlemen:
I am returning the ‘Alaska Hunting Coat’ – for which I recently paid you $24.95 – for a full refund, as noted in your standard guarantee. The ‘Cadiz Kentucky’ coat I received bears only a vague resemblance to the coat pictured in your catalogue. The most flagrant misrepresentation has to do with the ‘leather-lined’ pockets and ‘leather shoulder-patches’. If the garbage on this coat is leather, I’ll eat it.
In a nut, the coat is far below the standards I’ve come to expect from quality mail-order suppliers…such as Eddie Bauer and L.L. Bean, from whom I buy consistently. On the other hand, I’m quite satisfied with the Russell Oneidas you sent, and also the Jokay shooting vest.
So I am willing to write this off as inconsistency, rather than fraud…but I suggest, in the meantime, that you be more careful about the wording of your catalogue.
I look forward to receiving your check for $79.90. This represents the $54.96 for the ‘Everest Down Parka’ that I returned last week, and the $24.95 for the enclosed hunting coat.
Thanks,
Hunter S. Thompson

P.S….I see, in the new catalogue that came with my order, that you’ve dropped the word ‘leather’ from the description of the hunting coat’s shoulder patches and pocket edgings. This is an admirable move, but it’s not much help to me – since I was using your not-so-new catalogue.
HST

{From ‘Fear and Loathing in America: The Brutal Odyssey of an Outlaw Journalist}

Manufactured Landscapes

****

{I don’t usually post a comment in my movie reviews, but this documentary blew my mind last night. We’ve all heard and read about the rapid expansion of China as it pertains to industry and urbanization…and how they are attempting to ‘catch up’ to the western world…but I never understood the sheer magnitude of this growth until I saw this film.

I think it was watching the citizens of what was once a city (and not just a straw and mud city…a real brick, mortar and concrete city) demolish their own homes brick by brick, and getting paid to do so, so that ships traveling on the new river won’t be shipwrecked against an old apartment building, that made my rub my eyes in disbelief. The Three Gorges Dam will literally flood an entire region, dislocate over 1 million people and when finished, will be 5 times the size of the Hover Dam (thanks Wikipedia!).

All in the name of progress.

Featuring the work of artist/photographer Edward Burtynsky and directed by Jennifer Baichwal, the film maintains a objective, somewhat distant relationship to the subject matter, asking the viewer to make up his/her own mind about what they are seeing. After watching this film, I just can’t see how this planet can take much more of the punishment we’ve dished out over the past 100 years…and will continue to dish out for the foreseeable future.

Score one more for the bad guys.}

Kurt Vonnegut 1922–2007

Player Piano. 1952
The Sirens of Titan. 1959
Mother Night. 1961
Cat’s Cradle. 1963
God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater. 1965
Slaughterhouse Five. 1969
Breakfast of Champions. 1973
Slapstick. 1976
Jailbird. 1979
Deadeye Dick. 1982
Galapagos: A Novel. 1985
Bluebeard. 1987
Hocus Pocus. 1990

Timequake. 1997

Earth Day

Go Raps

The Adventures of Cat & Ghost

Neil's Arc

I want to preface this entry by making it clear that I am indeed an animal lover of the highest order. There is a place in my heart for all animals. If I had lived in the time of Noah, and had been charged with his duty of rounding up 2 of every creature, I would have made sure each and every living thing had a place on my arc.

Except for hornets, wasps and mosquitoes. I don’t get along with hornets, wasps and mosquitoes.


"That's him...that's the guy!"

Now that spring has arrived, so too have those yellow-striped winged pests…as I was made fully aware of today as I sat outside to eat my lunch. Everything was going nicely…the sun was out, the wind wasn’t too strong, and the food was hitting the spot…when all of a sudden I was distracted by a sharp stinging sensation in my arm. Sure enough, as yelped in pain, I turned to see a very large hornet burrowing his stinger into the back of my forearm. “Fucker!” I yelled as I tried to shake off the pain.

“You get stung?” was the query from the dude getting out of his pickup truck.

“Yup, I got stung.” was my plain reply.

“Yeah…I saw you.” he said as he entered the restaurant.

Clearly.

Lucky for me I caught the pest early, and he only left a small puncture…and the swelling has been minimal, but seriously, what the hell do these needles with wings contribute to the planet anyway? I’ve now been stung at least 5 times in my life…once on the eyelid (yeah, that was a fun day at the beach!)…once in the back…so I’m beginning to think its personal. While I seem to get along great with dogs and cats and other small ‘pets’…I also seem to have a bitter and confrontational relationship with wasps and hornets. These insects continually test my patience…cause me to embarrass myself in public…and altogether turn me into a scare-d-cat should one fly too close…and I think they KNOW this.

I mean, what right do they have to my coca cola? Does it really get pissed off if you try to shoo it away…switching on an attack mechanism that forces to retaliate by flying around your head for a good 1-2 minutes as you attempt to swat it away…with you standing still afterwards to see if it has indeed flown away…only to be unpleasantly surprised by it flying inches from your face? This one just up and landed on my arm and said ‘hey…check THIS out…” and stung me…maybe he was just one of those asshole wasps? You know the ones…emasculated from serving a needy and controlling woman all their lives, they take pleasure in inflicting pain and misery in other male creatures who enjoy the type of freedom they can only dream of.

If I had been in Noah’s shoes there is a very, very good chance I would have conveniently forgot to round up a nest of these pesky pests.

As for mosquitoes…well…I have no idea WHAT they do that’s so bloody important that we need billions of them…but with all that water that’d be lying around, I’m sure they would have survived a 30/30 flood.

Them and the cockroaches of course.


That cute face isn't going to work on me buddy!

Couch Surfing

For the past 4 nights I’ve been sleeping on the couch in my apartment. For some reason, I just decided to crash on the couch Saturday night…and haven’t made it back into my bed since. I’m only getting about 6 hours of sleep a night right now…but I seem to be sleeping better twisted up on my couch versus speading out in the extra long queen sized mattress I have in my room. It makes no sense…but I have been ‘feeling better’ in the mornings so…

I think part of it has to do with just wanting to ‘change’ my routine a bit…which was getting quite boring to be honest. Wake up, eat, go to work, eat, come home, cook something else, tidy up a bit, read/watch a movie, go for a walk, go to bed. Rinse and repeat. I only occasionally venture into the city to visit with my buddy R, and go out for drinks with people from work from time to time…but for the most part, I keep to myself. I like it that way. Don’t get me wrong…if the right person were to want to join me in my seclusion I’d be more than happy to clear a spot for them and share...but 9 days out of 10 I’m quite content to be alone.

So has anyone else run into a situation like this, where you just can’t seem to get comfortable in your own bed? What do you do? Crash on the couch like me, or do you all just call up a boyfriend/girlfriend and go sleep at their place…or go out with some friends, get wasted and find a friendly couch (or floor) to crash on? Or do all of you have exciting enough lives where this sort of thing just doesn't happen? Of course, my current situation prevents me from choosing any one of the options I listed…which leaves me my trusty couch as the only alternative resting place.

I hate the word lonely…I have always enjoyed my own company and the definition has never struck me as 'fitting'…I’m very good at snapping myself out of it…but I don’t doubt something resembling loneliness has crept into my life recently, causing me some ‘discomfort’…I just don’t think that’s what keeping me from my own bed. I’m not particularly unhappy, nervous or apprehensive about anything…things at work have settled down a bit...I recently plucked my head from the clouds and got real with myself about some personal matters…I’m not sick (a bit of a cold…but nothing serious)…money is tight, but I’m not broke…and while my next door neighbor has been a little louder than usual, and I have had to get up early for work, (so maybe I've been subconsciously avoiding being woken up ‘too early’ by avoiding that room all-together), I really don’t think its that either, so I’m at a bit of a loss as to why I’m choosing a couch over a bed?

So...we’ll see what this evening brings. I’m not due into work until 4:00, so I may take this opportunity to drop a couple of sleeping pills and pull the covers over my head for a good 10 hour snooze…but I’m also contemplating getting comfortable on the couch, staying up really late and having myself a little ‘movie marathon’ of sorts. Who knows…maybe I’ll just chuck the mattress and start sleeping on the floor?

No…I won’t do that…

'What's going on?'

What in the world could be so bad, so terrible that it requires one to go on a rampage through a School campus, killing 33 innocent people? What the fuck is wrong with people? How is this even an option in someone's head?

33 dead bodies (and just as many injured)...and none of them had any idea this was coming. Just another Monday morning class, right?

Having this sort of news pop up on the CNN page literally made my heart drop into my stomach. I still remember Columbine…the aftershocks in the days/weeks to follow…the fact that it was all I could think about for days…that after reading about today’s shooting at Virginia Tech I immediately started to recall all of those TV reports, video and photographs from that date in history…and the weeks and months of talking heads and bold headlines on TV dissecting said tragedy in 1,000,000 ways...and it makes me think about all that we have to look forward to on CNN for the next 6 months. I'm sure there are news producers all over the U.S. rubbing their hands together excitedly as I type this. Today makes me think about the town of Beslan in Russia and the hostage taking/massacre there that took the lives of over 300 people…including over 100 children. I remember being rendered frozen…numb…as the siege ended on live TV while I was living in England thinking to myself...how could someone do this? How could someone target little kids at school in such a way. Is there no honour anymore? Is nothing sacred?

There are some terrible people in this world. Anyone who watches the news knows this. There are also some people in this world who are so desperate, so helpless and so hopeless, that they feel as if the only way they will be heard is with a gun...as it rips other people from this world. Its enough to make you want to throw your hands up and give up on the whole lot of us. Yes, I realize terrible things happen every day all over the world. People starving to death in Africa…China…India…genocides…ethnic cleansing…religious persecution and conflict…wars...hatred…rape…abuse...murder…but all of these things, when I hear about them, trigger something inside me. They make me feel a little dead inside…like a tiny part of me just gave up…utterly disgusted that events like this can not only happen…but that they seem to be the norm.

Somewhere along the way, we, as human beings, fucked things up…God didn't do this to us...neither did Allah...and I think its safe to say Buddha didn't have a hand in this either...this is our bad. Yes, in the grand scheme of things events like this are still 'isolated'…and maybe, living in the moment, I am overreacting a bit...but when you see shit like this, its yet another ugly reminder of what horrors human beings are capable of. Everywhere you turn these days, it seems like this planet is slowly becoming a fucking nightmare...and we only have ourselves to blame.

This is humankind at our ugliest. Absolutely disgraceful.

Dead Man

"I'll tell you one thing for sure... I wouldn't trust no words written down on no piece of paper, especially from no Dickinson out in the town of Machine... you're just as likely to find your own grave."


*****

Winter Passing

"I just can't believe this is the same man who told his six-year-old daughter that Christmas was a Republican capitalistic conspiracy created by the Hallmark Corporation and that, if Jesus were alive today he'd be down in Nicaragua rallying the Sandinistas."


***

In Bloom

Waking up to a bright, warm sun in my face is a welcome change from the cold chill of months past. I got up today, looked outside and knew it would be a good day. Errands list whittled down to nothing, checked off one by one…meeting friends for lunch, talking basketball, waiting at intersections for old timers to cross the street. Elderly’s are like children…you got to be extra careful. I still had plenty to be angry at of course…traffic is always a bitch in the city without pedestrians running across the street, dodging traffic like frogger…and a few of them caught the tail end of my wrath as I sped away, but I guess that’s the cost of living in a 100 mph universe. And what was with that guy at the bank who kept staring at me? Was my fly down or something?

It looks like spring and winter are in a raging battle for seasonal supremacy. Winter doesn’t want to release its icy grip as Spring attempts to push him over the cliff. I really don’t have anything against winter, he wasn't at his nastiest this year, but the cold is starting to get to me…it is April 10th after all…and the tease of a warm sun on your face as you go about your day wearing a long sleeved t-shirt and sunglasses is just too much, especially when you’ve had the kind of winter I’ve had.

We can have some more
Nature is a whore
Bruises on the fruit
Tender age in bloom

Next Stop...The Study...The Study...

{Courtesy New York Magazine} F-train commuters were in for a pleasant surprise this morning, thanks to a "guerilla art" group called the House of Malcontents. The all-female quartet boarded the third car of a train at Coney Island in the wee hours and turned the weathered space into a living room — laying down welcome mats and rugs, hanging flowers from the poles and curtains over the windows, replacing MTA safety posters with paintings and family photos, and turning overhead billboards into mock bookshelves. (Authors represented ranged from Albert Camus to Zora Neale Hurston.) Officially, it was a commentary on how much time Gothamites spend on the subway, but leader Ellen Moynihan admits there was another goal. "We wanted people to talk about something at work besides what they watched on TV," she said. Critics included one unamused cop and a woman irate about the cost to advertisers, but by midtown, people started whipping out camera phones. "It's adorable," legal secretary Beatrice Beccari said. "It'd be nice to have more [of this] instead of ads for dentists and cosmetic surgery. Naturally, most riders pretended they saw nothing. — Michael Y. Park

I Knew It

The fact of the matter is, the Leafs blew it when we lost to these guys on Thursday. What 'should' have been a 1 game winner-take-all between Montreal and Toronto last night was turned into a 'oh wait...what will the Islanders do?' game. And the Islanders did exactly what I thought they would...win their last 2 games...and slip into the playoffs, knocking BOTH the Maple Leafs and Canadiens out. I actually called it 'before' the Leafs/Islanders game while talking with a Habs fan about how these bastards could end up being the spoilers to top all spoilers. And what do you know? Totally ruined the playoffs as far as I'm concerned. Who am I going to root for now? Ottawa? Not a chance in hell!

So the Leafs miss the playoffs by 1 point for the second year in a row...I guess shootouts really do count...

Well, at least we got the Raptors!

Still Breathing

Bubbling to the surface, episodes in gray. Touring the wasted countryside, staring at abandoned houses and barren fields. The light struggles to break through opaque skies of misery while the cool winds jostle my shadow. Forever confused, I break a sweat while breaking my back, always wanting more. Clean till the fingerprints disappear. Corporal punishment for the military mind, wind up space and forever distances. Hero sandwich. Osculate and pulsate among the masses while redeemable points fill up your wallet. Air miles to nowhere and taking money out of the tax man's pocket…all part of a balanced diet. Haggard haggler parched from pleading his case. Toppled ego rejected in a flurry of indifference. Did someone press the reset button? Last vestige of contact about to be put away for the winter. What do we do now? Reflect, reject, reconnect. Pick your passion. Tarantula tumbleweeds march through town as mini twisters dance in unison. Four leaf clover for rover. Mans best friend. Table for one with an extra chair. You never know…

The Fool

"The Fool card is often used to represent Tarot in general. Early classical versions of the Fool card, portray a person driven by base needs and urges, who has fallen into a state of poverty and deprivation. In some instances, he is made out to be a carnival entertainer or a huckster. In others, he is portrayed as decrepit and vulnerable -- as the cumulative result of his delusions and failures. The earlier versions of this card represented already-fallen humanity, over-identified with the material plane of existence, and beginning a pilgrimage towards self-knowledge, and eventually, wisdom.

The Fool reminds us to recognize the path of personal development within ourselves -- and the stage upon that path where we find ourselves -- in order to energize our movement toward deeper self-realization."

Zoopalooza (part 2)

As promised, here are more pictures from my day out at the zoo. There’s just something cool and primitively rewarding about being able to see a live ‘exotic’ animal in the flesh…even if it is behind bars. Its not every day you get to see elephants, tigers, monkeys, polar bears and wolves all in the span of a few hours. As I said in part 1, I plan on going back again during the summer, and next time, I think I’m going to spend a little more time ‘watching’ the animals. Of the few animals that I stuck around to really watch, virtually all of them ‘gave’ me something. The snow leopard coming down off its perch to ‘play dead’ in front of me…the seals doing tricks in front of the window…the crazy ostrich…the elephant who just stood there staring me down, before relieving himself right then and there (what’s a trip to the zoo without witnessing some animal go potty?)…or the inquisitive tamarins…its making me smile just thinking about it. I know I was lucky in the sense that after 3:00 pm I was pretty much the only person at some of the areas…so it was 1 on 1…which I’m sure won’t be the case later on in the summer.

Anyway, here you go…


EXTREME CLOSE UP. WOOOAAAAH!


What's a day at the Metro T.O. Zoo without a picture of (can't remember his name). He's always in the spot...if he's not charging the glass!


Uh oh...I've been spotted. He's coming my way...ok, don't make eye contact...don't make eye contact...


...and then, when I looked up, it was going crazy, hissing, waving its feathers all over the place, crouching down as if ready to jump over the barrier. I'm not ashamed to say I was a little intimidated.


The jaguar was watching me with one eye open...the leopard didn't give a shit...


Rough night...


Baby Golden Lion Tamarin...these guys were very lively...and very tiny!


Awwww...



Jenn's pal


Lucky shot

Zoopalooza (part 1)

As I wasn’t really feeling my birthday this year, I decided to do something different…something just for me. I woke up Friday morning, the whole day my oyster, and decided that I would take advantage of the mild weather and would visit one of my favourite places…the zoo.

I hadn’t been to the zoo in a long time…I can’t actually remember when the last time was…but when it comes to animals, to say I’m a fan is a huge understatement, so I thought it would be just the thing to break me out of my slump.

And it was.

I borrowed my parents’ digital camera for the occasion, so here are a few of the shots I got during my 5-hour whirlwind tour of the Metro Toronto Zoo.


Not so tiny tiger cubs...


I wonder what a happy elephant looks like?


These guys made me laugh. I think the one on the right was just scratching, but it looks funny!


Love these guys...so effortless. Its also hard to imagine that these guys are food for...


...this beast! I'm 6'4 and I probably come up to its chin. Big, BIG bear!


Possibly my favourite animal of all. I was a sprinter when I was a kid, and I always loved how fast these guys are...and how when you slow down their running motion, its like a perfect running machine. Poetry in motion. This guy was just chillin on a hill, staring at the zebra’s eating in the exhibit directly across from him, which I found a little cruel. I love this picture…

More to come in part 2…