firebug

Sometimes bugs get in.  You put up screens, but every once in a while one will drop into a box you were looking through, just to remind you they can still get in.

I was 'this' close to getting into bed, and that little jumpstart now has me awake...though barely.  Music is helping.

So is this fan I've got sitting a foot away from me.  Is there anything unhealthy about sitting a foot from a large fan for lengthy periods of time?  Like, am I slowly going deaf in my right ear due to the soundwaves or something?  It is nice though.

I'm am desperately trying to avoid the reality of my current situation, but I'm running out of time.  I'm drifting farther and farther away from the intended goal, the light isn't so bright anymore.

flip

If I were a Batman villain, I would be Two-Face.  Good old Harvey Dent, only wanted to do help rid Gotham of all the bad stuff, but it wasn't only because Harvey was a good guy...he also had a lot of anger pent up inside.  A lot.  But he was really good at biting his tounge, and not letting it get the better of him. 

Then, the bad guys came calling.  Harvey was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and was caught in a chemical blast, burning half his body.  On one side, it was still the old Harvey.  However the other side, was now a monster.  Harvey snapped.  All those years of pressing down the rage finally boiled over.  Two-Face was born.

I don't ever think I could be the bad guy.  I just don't have it in me.  But I am an angry person.  I hide it pretty good, but I've been called on it a couple of times, and can't say they were wrong.  I internalize 95% of it...but between shouting in the car, mumbling to myself in public and under my breath at work...I do vent from time to time.  It can be pretty ugly sometimes.  But that's the price you pay for wearing a mask. 

I'm sure this is all stuff I should talk to someone about.

dream on

It turns out that I get discouraged easily.  That's what the women in my life tell me anyway.  Here I thought I was too loyal a person, and what they're telling me is that I'm not loyal enough.  Not loyal enough to myself, or my ideas or dreams.  I don't think that's the case. I think I've been too loyal to those three things, and need to settle in to a bit of humble pie. 

I'm not the man I think I am. 

Sure, I had big dreams once upon a time.  Still do. Kind of.  But 'dream' now more than possible future reality.  Oh to be 13 again. 

I don't know if that will ever really come back.  This latest treck down the 'I have a dream' road got me going again in a way I hadn't felt in...but the crushing reality of the situation and, more importantly, my financial situation has turned everything into a bit of a nightmare.  A very cool nightmare, but a nightmare nonetheless.  I'm adding a lot to my shoulders, and I'm not sure I'm in 'carrying things on my back' mode right now?  But then again, when?

Every week is another deadline.  Another failure.  I do it to myself.

don't let me down

I lie more than I'd care to admit.  I lie to myself.  I lie to others.  I spin tales to explain absences, or make it seem like I'm busier than I actually am.  They used to feel harmless...cause most of the time I showed up, or was busy, so it was a once-in-a-blue-moon thing.  That made it easy.  Now, its all I do.  If I were to look back at the past couple of years of my life, as told by me, and as lived by me, they'd be two totally different stories, but I wouldn't be able to tell right from wrong myself.

I don't want to lie anymore.  To myself, or to anyone else.  I can control that.  I just need to be able to face the music when I let someone down from now on.  I'm trying to do that very thing.  I feel like I'm on the cusp of another fuckup, and I'm doing everything I can to prepare these persons for the truth.  Only thing is, I'm not sure its true yet...

would

I'm scared.  I'm weak.  I'm lazy.

All 3 are things I can control...but can't.  If only I could.

Today was another eye opener.  I'm not even the man I used to be...I'm not growing, I'm getting old.  I'm getting tired.

My skin has gone to shit in the matter of a few weeks.  Rashes, and red, dry, scaley skin replacing the smooth, healthy skin I've had all my life, save for those zit covered years in my teens.  I'm literally falling apart, drying out, and can't seem to do anything to stop it.

Its starting to sink what I've wasted all these years.  What I could have been doing.

the next day

What a soul-fuckingly-horrible day!  I knew as soon as I tried to lay my head down last night...hell, I knew while I was typing my last blog post before I tried to lay my head down to sleep that I was in for a rough one.  I couldn't fall asleep.  I was groggy and in a strange mood when I woke up, and slid into depression after only an hour.  Then came news that literally made my head and insides spin, on multiple levels...followed by working a dazed 8 hour shift at my harder-than-it-looks inspired salesman/stock boy job.  Inhaled two servings of bad fast food, and topped it off with an uncomfortable couple of hours in my apartment.  Not even allowed to enjoy the finale of Season 4 of Californication (meh), was I. 

And so I sit here, totally and utterly...lost.  I have no idea what to do.

My problem is I can't pick just one.  I can't limit myself to one goal, one job, one career, one life.  I can't make up my mind.  Where I used to be very good at a lot of things, but not great at anything...now I'm just pretty good at most things, but not really good enough.  And the one thing I was good at, is a dying art. 

I don't like customer service, but when I'm on, I'm pretty fucking good at what I do.  Problem is, far too often I have to work up the energy to face another day dealing with strangers with a smile on my face...and recently, I've been struggling to do my job the way it needs to be done.  You get shitty service 80% of the time now pretty much everywhere, and the thing is, its just accepted now.  I understand sometimes its hard to suck it up for Mr. and Mrs. Smith, but that's the job.  I've always held myself to a higher standard, and I like to think its served me well, in a Zen kind of way, but lately, I'm losing my will to do it.  Its like I'm starting to not care.  And to me, that's a bad sign.  I've been in the dumps, felt like life was going nowhere, but I always cared about what I did, and what energy I put out into the world.  There was a way for me to contribute, somehow.  Now...what's it all for?

I need a hint, something to keep me going.  Is it just 30 more years of this, and then I breakdown and die?  I see what my Dad's going through now, and its tough.   Tough to watch him getting old, tough to think it'll be me before long.  By my age he was already well on his way.  He and Mom had been married a year or so, and I was about 2 months from being created.  They had a house, good jobs, making good money...what have I got?

I know I chose this path...some time long ago this all made sense...I was going to learn something that was going to make sense of life.  There's no making sense of life.  All I've done is hidden myself from the world, and the world from myself.  I still know what goes on out there...I can smell it and taste it in the air...like a seventh sense...I just know...but maybe it would have been worth it to have seen it with my own eyes?  Just to say.

I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow.

blue sky

I've got to pull it together.  I've got it in me to do this.  Forget the bullshit, put on the blinders and just do what works.

I'm close. 

But I've been close before.  I've said all of this before.  And meant it. 

Is wisdom simply the gravity of age slowly hitting us?  I don't feel like I'm any smarter than I was...I just feel like life has beaten me into submission and now my standards are lower.  Fuck the top shelf, its too far anyway!

This is me today, right now.  Tomorrow, I've got to drag myself into work, after staying up way too late tonight feeling guilty and scared about what I've not been able to do the past, oh, 4 months.  2012 is turning into every other year.  It wasn't supposed to be.

There's still time to turn this all around.

The Avengers

"We have a Hulk."

****

I don't know if it was the hype, or the fact that everyone I know who saw it loved it...but I didn't love The Avengers.  I really liked it, I did, but it wasn't what quite all it was cracked up to be.  I thought Captain America (Evans) and The Hulk (Ruffalo) were the standouts in my opinion, with Iron Man (Downey Jr.) being the 'thing' that brings it all together.  Thor and Loki were good too.  So its not that there wasn't a lot to like about The Avengers, I just thought it was a little too...simple.  Heroes have to band together to stop alien invasion force that destroys New York.  Didn't we just see that movie (Transformers 3) last year? 

Still, why you're watching this movie is to see Cap kick butt...or Hulk smash stuff...and you get a good helping of that.  I would have liked to have seen a bit more of the Hulk in action, but part of the films charm was its slow reveal of 'the Other Guy' as Dr. Banner put it.

So, while I was a bit underwhelmed, as a comic book fan, and just a fan of these kinds of movies done well...The Avengers was a really good movie experience, and I'm looking forward to more individual movies staring each hero before The Avengers 2 is coming at us in 2020!

clown will eat me

I took out $300 today.  A rock did not fall on me afterwards...nor did I get a phone call from the bank asking what the hell I thought I was doing.

I may be pretty poor, but every once in a while, even I can walk around with a wallet that's got too much money in it.  I don't know why I took out that much...most of what I've got left. 

Now I'm sitting here hopped up on Timbits and Reese Peanut Butter Cups.  Boy is my stomach going to be mad at me in the morning.  That is, if I get to sleep before the sun comes up?

howl

I don't know what I want.  I never have.  All?  Nothing? 

I'm trying to stay positive.  Give myself hope.  But I'm 33 now.  I've already peaked.   Somewhere in  my 20's, lost and dazed, I was at my peak.  Now I'm getting weaker.  I'm smarter, but not stronger.  Of course, there's still room for me to get off my ass and get working at being better...but I've been saying that for the past 10+ years, and I honestly feel farther away from where I want to be than I did...wherever that is?

I look around at the world I live in, and the thousands of people that pass by on a weekly basis, and don't get it.  I know I'm no different than any of them...but I don't get it.  This whole 'thing'.  I feel like I'm standing in the middle of everything that's going on, and I don't have a clue why its going on?  How it goes on? 

I'm just very confused about a lot of things right now.  I thought by now I'd know my role...would have found my place in this world and started to carve out a nice, peaceful life for myself.  Instead, I feel like I did when I was 15.  I know a whole lot more...but I 'feel' like I'm still 15.  Its a problem.

I want to grow up.  But I need a reason.  Going broke, losing my home...for whatever reason, that hasn't been a strong enough kick in the ass to flick that switch.

I hate to think about what it might take.  That's why I need to do this.  For myself, by myself.  Nobody can do it for me...and nobody can really help me at this point.  I'm a lone wolf lost in the woods, and I need to find my own way out.

reach out and do what?

Why would I want to link my phone to my blog?  I suppose one might have their reasons, but not me. 

I'm in total shutdown deer-in-headlights mode right now...can't for the life of me figure out how to take that next step even though the path is right there in front of me.  I'm afraid I'm making a huge mistake on a big gamble.  At a time when I need to be sure, I'm not.  I want to fake it...to dig deep and find it in me to dive in...but something is holding me back.  I think most people think I'm a little crazy, and certainly a bit niave wanting to do what I want to do...and I understand them.  If this is 5 years ago, I'm not getting these looks.  Then again, its a different world 5 years ago.

I don't know what to do.  My life is truly at a crossroads.  The clock is striking midnight as I type this...

I come here to vent and hope that somehow I can read the tea leaves and maybe see something that's staring me right in the face.  I come here to see if I still have anything left inside that cares enough to ask.  I come here because I've got nowhere else to turn.

Do I really want to be carrying that around with me all day in my pocket?