A Bakers Dozen (Hope Floats)

"The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for." ~ Allan K. Chalmers

"Not only is another world possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." ~ Arundhati Roy

"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~ Dale Carnegie

"I have learned two lessons in my life: first, there are no sufficient literary, psychological, or historical answers to human tragedy, only moral ones. Second, just as despair can come to one another only from other human beings, hope, too, can be given to one only by other human beings." ~ Elie Wiesel

"Thought is the sculptor who can create the person you want to be." ~ Henry David Thoreau

"Arriving at one point is the starting point to another." ~ John Dewey

"To eat bread without hope is still slowly to starve to death." ~ Pearl S. Buck

"The natural flights of the human mind are not from pleasure to pleasure but from hope to hope." ~ Samuel Johnson

"You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty." ~ Mohandas K. Gandhi

"The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty." ~ Sir Winston Churchill

"We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same." ~ Anne Frank

"The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of." ~ Blaise Pascal

"Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow." ~ Dorothy Thompson

Off the top...

I don’t really have anything in particular I want to talk about today…but seeing as how I’ve got access to the internet, I might as well use it while I still can.

So…lets see…lets see…

Life is actually pretty good these days. Things could be better…but all in all, I haven’t been this ‘positive’ in a long time. I’m a patient guy (most of the time), so the small improvements I’ve felt in virtually all the important areas of my life at least gives me hope that things are pointed in the right direction…that I’m pointed in the right direction. Moving into my own place has been everything I expected, and more. Just the ability to have peace and quiet (neighborly noise excluded…they were at it again this morning…though the volume was slightly reduced) when I feel like just sitting in a dimly lit room by myself, alone with my thoughts, has allowed me to really focus on myself and my hopes and dreams for the future. I can sense that a few of these things are still a little ways off…little specs on the horizon…but by moving out on my own, I think I’ve finally managed to shed some of the built in excuses I’ve been using in order to avoid making progress. My ‘timeline’ is starting to get a little clearer…and the place is starting to really feel like home.

I’m still not writing as much as I’d like…but at least now I’m working on creating a good working environment…so I’m sure it’ll come. Having no cable is also something I’m enjoying. It was getting to the point where I was always frustrated with the shit on TV…probably more than I should have been…now I don’t have to think about it. Sure, it be nice to turn on the TV for a half hour of mindless distraction instead of having to commit to watching a 2 hour movie…but I’m also finding myself reaching for the bookshelf instead…and once I get in a good reading rhythm, I’ll be much better off for it.

Overall though, I’ve still got a lot on my mind…but its pretty much all good stuff, or potentially good stuff, so instead of anxiety and frustration, I feel happy and (almost) content…I’m a simple guy so I’m not asking for the world, and I think the world is starting to understand this. Yes...space, time and distance can be frustrating barriers to overcome…but I’m mildly pleased with how I'm learning to deal with it (still a work in progress though…). Sometimes you’ve just got to understand that you can’t always get what you want when you want...even if it feels right. Instead of throwing your hands up in the air or throwing down the gauntlet…I’m learning that its much better to use that ‘energy’ positively. In my case, I’m internalizing and focusing these feelings in an attempt improve myself…while still remaining actively engaged in my now epic quest for happiness.

I think that’s about it…that’s all I got for today.

Here’s to tomorrow…

One Fine Evening

A quick congratulations to my friend Jenn, who had her first solo art show last night. The art on display was a sampling of pieces from the last 4-5 years…as well as some of her most recent work, and it was all excellent. It was a very warm and relaxed atmosphere, so kudos to the artist and the event coordinators for making me feel welcome. I encourage anyone who is a fan of art to check out her website http://sansparachute.com/ and take a look for yourself. Here are a few of my favourites to whet the appetite.

Well done Jenn.

Cloudy with an 80% chance of rage...

Is it really necessary to watch the ‘Weather Network’ on full volume from 8:00 in the morning indefinitely? Because that’s what my next-door neighbor was doing while I was trying to grab an extra hour of sleep this morning.

Now…I just moved in, and the last thing I want to do is start a feud with some couple living right next to me…but I mean...FULL BLAST? I gave the slightly courteous ‘3 bangs on the wall’ to let them know I was trying to sleep…but that didn’t seem to register. I’m hoping it was a one-time thing…but my guess is this will be a recurring theme from here on out.

Is it too early for a ‘friendly note’ from the new guy in the apartment next door asking that they refrain from blasting the Weather Network until maybe 10:00 am? Is that too much to ask? Or am I going to have to bite my tongue (and plug my ears) on this one?

Any and all advice would be appreciated.

2 rooms

The move went well. Just over 7 hours and 4 trips in the van got all the 'big stuff (bed, couches, cabinets etc.) moved...I have quite a bit of clothing to move still...but I've got till the end of the month so I'm doing it one trip at a time.

Despite the odd 'minor issue' I am really happy with my new place. Despite its size it doesn't feel small...and being able to cook and sit and watch TV at the same time is a plus.
Part of me wonders why it took me so long to leave the roommates behind...but then I remember that I haven't had to pay any bills yet...so I'm sure once the first hydro bill comes in (on top of my rent) I'll remember why living with a roommate (or 2) was a necessity. But I'm pretty confident that I'll be albe to make it work financially, and if that means cutting back in some areas, dipping into my savings, or asking for even more hours at work, then that's what I'll do. I haven't been able to wipe the smile off my face since I moved in...this despite being physically exhausted...so I know I've done the right thing.

I've got a day off tomorrow...which sounds like a chance to relax, but between meeting with the property managers, getting an oil change, and clearing out my old place I probably won't get much relaxing done. But the fire is still lit under my feet...and my good mood seems like it should be enough to keep me going...at least in the short term.The sun out in full force was a fitting tribute to how I'm feeling today...I'm a lot closer to happy than I've been for a while...and hopefully this is just the beginning...

The Motorcycle Diaries

"Me, I'm not the same me, at least not the same spiritual me."


*****

Year of the Pig

"Gung hei fat choi"

For good luck...

*Opening windows and/or doors is considered to 'bring in' the good luck of the new year.
*Switching on the lights for the night is considered good luck to 'scare away' ghosts and spirits of misfortune that may compromise the luck and fortune of the new year.
*Candy is eaten to ensure the consumer a "sweet" year.
*It is important to have the house completely clean from top to bottom before New Year's Day for good luck in the coming year. (however, as explained below, cleaning the house after New Year's Day is frowned upon)

Don't...

*Buying a pair of shoes is considered bad luck. The word "shoes" is a homophone for the word for "rough" in Cantonese.
*Buying a pair of pants is considered bad luck. The word "pants" is a homophone for the word for "bitter" in Cantonese. (Although some perceive it to be positive, as the word 'pants' in Cantonese is also a homophone for the word for "wealth".)
*A hair-cut is considered bad luck. The word "hair" is a homophone for the word for "prosperity". Thus "cutting hair" could be perceived as "cutting away your prosperity" in Cantonese.
*Washing of your hair is also considered to be washing away one's own luck (although hygenic concerns take precedence over this tradition)
*Talking about death is inappropriate for the first few days of Chinese New Year, as it is considered inauspicious as well.
*Buying books is bad luck because the word for "book" is a homonym to the word "lose".

"Sun nin fai lok"

Going Off The Grid

Well…I’m moving. No…I’m not switching to another blog site, I’m actually moving. I'm finally taking the solo plunge and getting an apartment all to myself. Except for a year in England back in 2004, I’ve always lived with other people. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve actually been pretty lucky in the roommate department…I had 2 really great roommates in University, and with the exception of one dude who just rubbed me the wrong way, I’ve gotten along with all of my roommates over the years.

But I’m at a point in my life where I really want to branch out on my own and build my own nest. I’m a pretty easy going guy, so I tend to be very flexible and understanding when it comes to bending to accommodate others (and I certainly have my own eccentricities that friends have suffered through in silence)…but I’m nearly 28 and I need to be on my own.

My place isn’t anything special. Burn marks in the carpets, abandoned cube vans in the parking lot and neighbors with Harley Davidson flags in their windows…but when I looked at the place, I got a really good vibe off of it, and its right on the ‘Main Street’ in the heart of a small town just north of the city…so I decided to take the plunge…even though I’m probably going to have to live like a poor student for the next 6 months in order to get my finances straight. But I know it’s the right thing to do…and its something that I want to do.

And I'm finally ready to do it.

So with that being said, I won’t be able to blog nearly as often as I have over the past few months since I started F&LIA…having said that, I am still in close proximity to people who have an internet connection, so I probably will be able to check in from time to time, but it just won’t be as consistent as before.

But this is only temporary, so have no fear…once things are sorted, the internet is right at the top of my list as far as priorities go (ahead of TV) so it shouldn’t be long before I’ve got my Mad Hatter cap on again and I'm polluting the wild wide web with my insanity once more.

I just want to thank everyone who’s ever read my blog, and posted a comment…part of the reason why I am finally taking this plunge is because of the emboldened feeling and (albeit fragile) confidence I’ve developed as my blogging has mutated from newbie ranting to what I consider something resembling a distinct style and voice. I’ve still got a long way to go…my buddy J is seriously outdoing me in the talent and observation department (you’re stuff continues to be great bro) and I'm sure I will never reach the artistic and creative heights my supremely talented friend Jenn has (and will undoubtedly continue to) achieve, but I feel like thanks to the blog, and a the baby’s handful of friends I’ve met online over the past 5 months, I’ve become a better person and a more focused ‘writer’…if you consider what I do ‘writing’.

Thank you all very much for a really enjoyable, eye opening 5 months…and I look forward to continuing F&L in my new fortress of solitude.

11 hour shift...

Torn up like a wet tissue.
My conscious is a mess of spaghetti and meatballs.
Fevered visions of lace and lice…gnawing away at my bitter bones.
So very, very tired.

But there is no rest for the wick end.

I'm finding more and more pieces...

Snowed In On Valentine’s Day...

Omen

Focus People Focus

My insides feel like warm pudding right now...but I’m also shivering. I can feel myself coming up on a fork in the road, and it’s a major fork. Things have slowly been getting clearer for me the past few months…and I’m starting to see where I might be able to fit into this crazy world. My nerves are stuck on high simply because as much as things are clearer…I still have a hard time trusting my own eyes sometimes. Its not that I’ve made a lot of bad choices in the past…we all make mistakes…and the damage mine have caused was almost always reserved for yours truly…but it’s a rare thing for me to feel the sort of conviction I seem to have these days. As much as I want things to work out, for me and for the people I care about (you know who you are), when it pertains to me, I’m confident that even if things were to go south, I’d still be able to get through it…and keep moving forward, rather than let it be the catalyst for yet another rapid decent into oblivion. And that’s always been a skyscraper of a hurdle for me.

I’m only sharing this because I may not be posting as much in the coming weeks as this blob of potential begins to crystallize. I will do my best to keep the willing informed and entertained with an occasional burst of madness, because even though I don’t have the numbers to back it up, I feel like I’ve got something resembling an audience now…and as someone who checks his favourite blogs frequently (twice a day), I want to do my best to give the 1 or 2 of you who reads this thing as much reason to keep coming back as I can.

Wish me luck…I’m not ashamed to say I’ll need it. Now...I need a drink.

The Prestige

“Now you're looking for the secret... but you won't find it because you're not really looking. You don't really want to know the secret...”


***

The Departed

"When you decide to be something, you can be it."


****

like a giant ball of breath

Oh Clock...

Sometimes I think that I'm living on a different planet. That I'm alone in this parallel universe that somehow combines the 'real' world with 'my' world simultaneously. You remember those diagrams in math class…or science class…I can't remember, I struggled in both…where the teacher would draw two intersecting circles on the blackboard…resulting in 3 'areas'. You had the part of each circle that was independent of the other, and then the middle part, usually shaded in white chalk. Sometimes I feel like I'm living my life in the circle on the right, and sometimes I feel like I'm living my life in the circle on the left…but I always have one foot in the shaded part in the middle.

The middle is who I really am.

My job requires me to work at all hours of the day. Sometimes I work 9-5…other times I might work from 6-3 am. They do their best to keep me on a somewhat consistent schedule…but the fact remains that it wreaks havoc on my sleeping patters and the quality of my R.E.M.'s. Just yesterday, I was saying how good I was feeling…this despite a heavy workweek…but today, the zombie eyes hit me like a ton of bricks…and by early afternoon I was moving like I was stuck in a suit of molasses.

I've been able to shake that sinking feeling in the hours since I returned home. A pasta supper and a little entertainment ('The Departed' is a very good film btw) has returned me to my regularly scheduled program, but I still feel 'weird'. Like something's not quite right. Of course, it could be anything…my laundry list is separated into chapters…but the fact that I've been feeling 'on course' and 'optimistic' the past few days has me confused. Nothing has changed…the only thing really separating yesterday and today was a 6 hour bout of shut eye…that's it.

Time does weird shit to you. One minute your feeling great, smiling, wrapped in a warm, comfortable glow…the next, you feel exposed to the elements, confused at finding yourself out in the cold with no jacket on.

"How did I get here?"

Like I said…I'm fine…I'm sure a good nights rest, and a day off tomorrow will go a long way towards curing what ails me at this particular moment…but its also a reminder that when the going is good, there is sure to be a shitty forecast on the way…the key is to remember that when the going is rough…if you can just get through it, there's always a little sun just around the corner.

Then again, now that I think of it, I didn't have breakfast this morning…so maybe that's what did it?

Yellow Lines

Doesn't life just seems fresher when you’re in a good mood? You breathe in a little more air, your step has a little more spring…and the things that sit on your brain and pick away at you like a thousand tiny pickaxe’s on all those bad days seem to go on vacation…or start to seem smaller. I know it won’t last…it never does…something will pop up, something will go wrong, and I’ll find myself struggling once again. But for right now, the past couple of days have been a welcome break from the overcast and sometimes miserable ‘weather’ that blew in around Christmas. I’ve been sleeping better (with the aid of sleeping pills), I’ve been able to keep up my very ‘basic’ exercise routine for nearly 6 weeks now, and things at work have been going a lot smoother.

I’m still near the bottom of the hill, I know this, but at least I feel like (for right now) I’m going in the right direction. Some days it feels like one step forward, one step back…but on the whole, I feel like I’ve made some real strides toward curing the ills that have plagued me for years. Sure, some of my old habits/insecurities have bubbled to the surface from time to time…and yes I have said many of these exact words in previous entries, only to fall on my ass 24 hours later…but thanks to the patience, understanding and positive influence of a few friends, and a growing determination on my part, I’ve been able to maintain my composure and gut it out. Its been hard…sometimes the dark can really envelop me…swallow me up in a cold blanket of uneasiness and confusion…but I’m finding it slightly easier now to pull myself out of the mire, even if it feels like ripping off a band-aid. Slowly, I’m getting tougher…

But its been a long, long road to get to this point…

Go Green

I won’t get preechy with this entry, primarily because I’m slightly hipocritical on the subject to be honest, but we only have one planet, and I believe it should be every human beings duty living on it to do what they can to ensure its protected...and where possible, improved. At no time in the history of mankind have we been pumping, dumping and creating as much polution as we are right now. And it only stands to get worse. (cough, China, cough) Seriously…what are we going to do? What can we do?

Our part. That’s about it.

“The question is whether we're going to start taking the steps now to avoid the really big jumps that are in store if we don't do something now.”

If that means recycling as much as you can, do it. It does make a difference. If it means seperating compost from waste, do it. If it means buying an acre of Brazilian Rainforest, or donating to Greenpeace or the WWF or even the Salvation Army or the local pound, do it. Like I said, I’ll be the first to stand up and say that I could do a lot more, and should do a lot more, but right now I try to do my part, as do a great many citizens. We just need to do more. And hopefully our Government’s will follow suit and start doing more. And by doing more, I mean actually doing more. Not debating it. Not alocating funds to it. Doing it. I’ve voted Green in the last 4 or 5 elections, knowing full well that my candidate was not going to win. I voted Green because it represented something I believed in, unlike any of the ‘real’ parties. All they represent to me is the status quo. Sure, some of them talk a good game when they’re not in power, telling everyone what they would do differently. But what happens when they finally do achieve victory, and the right to make the decisions. More of the same.

I was told I was wasting my vote...but you know what, take a look at Mr. Harper and Mr. Dion and Mr. Layton and listen to them...they're all angling for the green vote now, partially because it’s the topic o’ the day…but also because the Green Party continues to show it has a loyal following that aren’t simply throwing their vote away…but making a statement with it. 5% is 5% And I’m willing to vote for another party, but only if they can show me that they deserve it. I’ve voted for 2 of the 3 major parties before…so my loyalties are to my beliefs, not the colour of the placard or the sign on the side of the road. They are starting to wake up to that.

“Our personal consumer choices have ecological, social, and spiritual consequences. It is time to re-examine some of our deeply held notions that underlie our lifestyles.”

In the past 3 or 4 years, with the visible effects of Global Warming (natural or man made…the numbers don’t lie), and the continued urban sprawl that has claimed many a rolling hills, breathing forests and (where I’m from) some of the most fertile growing land on the planet, more and more people are paying attention. Not nearly enough people, and not nearly enough attention, but its something…and its growing.

So before this post gets out of control, I just want to say that I am making a promise to myself to do a little bit more to be ‘environmentally friendly’ in every environment…outside and inside, in work and in life…and hopefully you can too.

“The human brain now holds the key to our future. We have to recall the image of the planet from outer space: a single entity in which air, water, and continents are interconnected. That is our home.” ~ David Suzuki

Super Prediction

Indianapolis 31 - Chicago 17

I wish I thought differently...I really do. I'll be rooting for Da Bears a little more than I'll be rooting for Indy, but I just don't see it happening. SuperBowls are usually won by QB's and their ability to make big plays, and Rex Grossman is not going to win Chicago a SuperBowl. Peyton might. Do I think Da Bears have a chance? Yes. Their defence is amazing, and teams with a good D (Baltimore, '85 Bears) have won in the past, and Brian Urlacher is perhaps the best LB in the NFL, like a QB for his defence...but I think the Colts have too many weapons.

In my view, not to marginalize the rest of the players in the game, but really the whole game comes down to Peyton Manning v. Brian Urlacher...and as good as Urlacher is...I think Peyton is better.

Honestly, I don't really care who wins. If the Bears win...I'll celebrate with an oversized beer and giant bratwust...and if the Colts win...that'd be cool too as you already know how I feel about Peyton...I just hope its a close game that is decided late in the 4th quarter.

Then again...I might just say screw it, and watch a movie...

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

“Well, technically speaking, the operation is brain damage, but on a par with a night of heavy drinking. Nothing you'll miss.”


*****

A Bakers Dozen (Solitary Confinement)

"I owe my solitude to other people." ~ Alan Watts

"Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down." ~ Unknown

"I am afraid to show you who I really am, because if I show you who I really am, you might not like it -- and that's all I got." ~ Sabrina Ward Harrison

"Solitude is often the best society." ~ proverb

"Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them." ~ Brenden Francis

"What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality." ~ Otto Rank

"Solitude is not something you must hope for in the future. Rather, it is a deepening of the present, and unless you look for it in the present, you will never find it." ~ Thomas Merton

"Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine." ~ Honore de Balzac

"Only in solitude do we find ourselves; and in finding ourselves, we find in ourselves all our brothers in solitude." ~ Miguel de Unamuno

"I hold this to be the highest task for a bond between two people: that each protects the solitude of the other." ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

"If he is to be ultimately at peace with himself, what a man can be, he must be." ~ Abraham Maslow

"Some people say they haven't yet found themselves. But the self is not something one finds; it is something one creates." ~ Thomas Szasz

"When they are alone they want to be with others, and when they are with others they want to be alone. After all, human beings are like that." ~ Gertrude Stein